Sat with the word ACTIVE longer than i should have. it doesnt resolve into a comfortable category, it just sits there being ACTIVE, and i keep listing out what else it could have said instead because the not-saying feels like part of the message. Active documentation subject. active monitoring priority. active threat assessment. closed, suspended, dormant, terminated, those are the other words and none of them are the word that is actually there. ACTIVE is the word that is actually there.

The date is the thing. The date on the entry is before the date I started documenting anything, before I owned the second camera, before the notebook even. Before. I keep saying before like it clarifies and it doesnt clarify, it just moves the wall back one more time. the record was already there. already there before i had a folder for it, already there before i had a reason, already there. I dont know how long already is. longer than mine. however long mine turns out to be.

Wednesday I told myself this doesnt change anything, the status is the status whether i write it down or not, and that held until about four in the morning when it stopped holding, and i am not going to pretend it is Wednesday's version of me writing this now. what documenting it does is make a second copy. one they didnt write and cant go back and fix. that column still says ACTIVE and it said ACTIVE before i ever looked, and now there is a laptop with a fan that runs too loud holding a copy of that too, and i keep meaning to back the laptop up somewhere else in case, in case of what i havent finished deciding, and